Musing . . . about Buoyancy
This piece has been at least 42 years in the making ~ perhaps more like 42 lifetimes. Its topic is one I find difficult and complex, still hard to write about, and Terribly Significant on my life’s path. It’s about my mother ~ or, rather, what I’ve learned recently through our relationship.
As a teenager, Mom fell in love and, within a few weeks, was pregnant and married. Within a few months she became a mother and started working the graveyard shift as a nurse. Within a few years came a second baby, and also domestic violence, divorce, alcoholism, economic hardship, and a bout of homelessness. Her situation improved, although her life has never been easy or carefree ~ nor has our relationship.
The relationship between my mother and I deteriorated after the death of our beloved aunt several years ago, becoming hostile and eventually into cold silence. Then, she called with a hurtful pronouncement. I thought about how to respond ~ explain all the ways she has hurt me ~ explain my motives, and how I feel she’s completely misperceived them ~ actively cut off contact, because having no relationship can be easier than a bitter one ~ not respond at all. I asked Self for guidance.
Self prompted me to write to my mother to say, “I’m sorry” and “thank you.” I was shocked and dismayed ~ mother should be the one to apologize, not me. And, why on Earth should I be grateful to her? After all, everything I’ve accomplished has been in spite of, not because of, her influence. I heard Self say that these expressions were to be genuine regret and gratitude ~ not the “I’m sorry you’re so misguided” and “thank you for revealing how wrong you are” false expressions that arise too easily during arguments.
I tried to tamp down my resistance and keep the channels of communication open with my Spirit Guides ~ they had to work overtime helping me let go of my resentment and hurt. Why is it so difficult to let go of our oppressive, burdensome emotions ~ especially considering that whenever we do let go, we create space for joyful, buoyant ones?
I began to see that I needed to take responsibility for my actions, regardless of what my mother did or did not do in regard to her actions. I had to be responsible for Self and recognize that my mother is responsible for herself ~ easy to understand, yet hard to do.
I also began to see how profoundly my mother’s decisions and example have guided me. For certain, some of the lessons I learned from her were by negative example. Yet, I also saw ~ to my great surprise ~ that the most important ones were by positive example.
I recognized that her decision to give birth to me, as a teenager with few supports, was profoundly courageous. I realized her decision not to remarry for the sake of convenience had given me the courage not to do so, either ~ and, that paved the way for the later-in-life, loving union I now enjoy. I realized her passion for nursing inspired me to pursue a profession that brings me joy. (By contrast, while I was in graduate school, wracking up student loan debt and watching the years slip past, other relatives would peruse the Want Ads and announce, “No job openings for poets today, either,” at Sunday dinner.) I could go on . . .
Once I was ready to absorb these lessons, the letter to my mother came easily. And, as you’d expect, it’s opened up some healing pathways between us. I don’t know if our relationship will ever be whole. For now, though, it’s not hurtful and at times is peaceful and pleasant. And, letting go of my resentment has, indeed, opened my own pathways to greater joy and buoyancy. I also hope that this process with my mother will prove to be a template that I can apply when hurt and resentment crop up in other arenas of my life, too.
Again, Mom ~ thank you.
Posted in -Allard, Contributing Writers | August 16, 2006
August 16th, 2006 at 8:26 am
Allard, your article today is ever inspiring, for we all have similar types of situations in our family grouping. I think a lot of it comes down to a person’s “truth”. I have always loved the saying “there is his truth ~ her truth ~ and the truth”. And indeed, what is truth? It comes only from Self.
Our parents grew up in another entirely different playing field than we did, and as our children are today. Different circumstances and different truths. It’s our job to learn from it all, and it certainly appears that you are coming to a healing. Hooray for you!
When my grandson was three, he was throwing a tantrum, and I asked him “Why are you doing this!?” and he calmly responded, “Because it’s my job.” I think wisdom comes at any age!
August 16th, 2006 at 11:14 am
All I can say is WOW… I am both deeply touched and moved by your depth of feeling as well as you full comprehension of the issues at hand. Well done!
August 16th, 2006 at 9:55 pm
Allard, I love the way you have expressed yourself…I loved reading it and feeling it…felt like wisdom.
August 16th, 2006 at 10:16 pm
I think it’s great that you asked about what part of this that you were responsible for and focused on addressing that. The big challenge is to overcome your anger enough to free yourself. And then you were able to see some of the positive examples of what your mother did. Thanks for the inspiration.
August 17th, 2006 at 8:56 pm
I am touched by your courage in facing Self, as well as the courage it took to put this in writing on this blog for all to see and learn from. Thank you!
I can relate to much of what you have written. My relationship with my father was problematic. I struggled with that while he was alive ~ and, finally, two weeks before he passed on, came to some peace with him, although much remains to be done in other lifetimes, I am sure! But it wasn’t until he left the earth plane that I started to realize how great an influence he was on my life in positive ways, even if the influence at the time often seemed negative. The important point is the learning. How loving he is as an energy to agree to assist me in my growth as he did.
My mother, who made her transition two years before my father, tends to get the lion share of recognition for selflessness and strength, but as I get older, I appreciate more what my father overcame and the struggles he had taken on as well.
August 18th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
In 1979 I had an experience that proved to be part of a cleansing in the preparation time for Waith to speak through me. The experience was such that my parents were on the verge of disowning me. At this point, I met a Counselor who helped me truly look at Self, my relationship with my parents (especially my mother) and how to relate to them, “adult to adult.” That shake up helped me let go of so many “issues” I had with my parents that it helped me forge a Healing of Self first and foremost, and then with others, which allowed me to view my parents (and mother) in a positive way. Dr. Nies counseled me to look at Self as “the result of” my parents and not “in spite of” them ~ what a dramatic shift in perspective that was for me. I continue to look at every relationship I have (or have had)as contributing to “who I am ~ and who I am becoming.” I feel such freedom with that thinking.
August 24th, 2006 at 5:58 pm
Allard that was really beautiful. I was very touched reading your story on how you were able to guide Self to a different direction. There are certainly great achievements in your writing, as it has also resulted in patching up a significant piece=peace in your life. Your story has allowed me to reflect on many things in my life. I look forward to more of your writings. Thank you for sharing.
Solara I understand better now and accept that time continues to tick with or without resentment. At the appropriate time, anything negative can be adjusted to the lighter side of the spectrum, which I consider that to be something hopeful and positive in my life. Thanks for helping me see the balance of this flow and accept how much I still love these energies that still appear to be negative in my life. I admit that they are still great influences to me and will always be part of me.
August 25th, 2006 at 8:43 am
Thank you all for your loving comments and support. The light and love from this community has been changing–improving–my day-to-day quality of life by assisting me on my journey. Again, thanks.